totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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