Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
