They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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