Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
