I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
