Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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