So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
