Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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