Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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