I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
