Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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