im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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