Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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