a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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