im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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