somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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