Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
