The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize