"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
