I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
