Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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