we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
