have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
