I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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