My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize