im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
