8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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