Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
