Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
