I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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