Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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