i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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