My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize