I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
