Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
