Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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