smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
