I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
