So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
