i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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