The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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