Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
