Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
