This is not my ceiling
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
