hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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