only you would photoshop your dick
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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