Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
