Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
