remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
