I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize