Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
