Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize