i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
