what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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