this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
