What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
