If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize